GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.