GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
not seeing the problem
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*