God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
mom had nothing to worry about
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse