God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I love art.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before