God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.