God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
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If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My first son he is wonderful
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Lmfaoooooo
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke