Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
You Might Also Like
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*