@noog

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

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@envydatropic

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

@tiffanyaneal

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

@Browtweaten

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

@SteveSuckington

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

@daemonic3

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@Love_bug1016

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*