God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.