God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I hope it’s French Onion!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.