God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Does this dress make me look cat?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking