God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one