God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round