God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
quarantine day 3
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!