God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again