God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
A Short Story.
“You’d better run, egg!”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.