God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
DOOO EEEET
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
😂😂
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.