God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
You Might Also Like
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.