My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
Wolf: d-do I have to?
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*
Okay how about now
“Be cool, be cool,
~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.