God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
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Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I think this cat is broken