God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.