God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”