God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Phones down.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.