God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
What if the weather talks about us?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT