God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
how was your vacation
Name another movie that mislead you?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.