God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.