God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’m giving up ice.