God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
(Musicians.)
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.