God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!