God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”