God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Stop sending me this shit.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?