“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Thoughts
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.