god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet