@LuvPug
@vangobot WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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@vangobot 
@KeetPotato [tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
@DearAuntAbby No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
@MiddlingMs I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
@MacAnnabella Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
@FunnyIsFamily My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
@thepaulasuzanne True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
@Home_Halfway Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
@SadieSkyNinja My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
@Burger_Time_ Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.