God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you


[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”


No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.


I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.


Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.


My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.


True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!


Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually


My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.


Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.