@LuvPug

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

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@vangobot

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

@KeetPotato

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

@DearAuntAbby

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

@MiddlingMs

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

@thepaulasuzanne

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

@Home_Halfway

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

@SadieSkyNinja

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

@Burger_Time_

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.