God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The 6 types of sex
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.