God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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twitter users today:
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Wait a second…
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much