It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!