Gods work.
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.