Godspeed, John Glenn
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Just say no
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier