Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”