*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
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Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
This kid is a star!
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….