Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
How funny!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.