Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
hackers play passwordle
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…