Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}