goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Oh my God.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework