*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
We’ve all been there…
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me