*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.