*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal


[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?


Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.


Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.


“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably


How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768


What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?


Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.


5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese


Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.