*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
True
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.