*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
hear me out : pockets for your socks
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.