*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
This hospital has everything
Morning.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.