*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?