*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
