*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
me hitting on a model
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.