*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
me: my friends:
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.